


Black Ink

by Jo (jmathieson)



Series: Tangents and Intersections ~ Kink Bingo 2013 [24]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, Established Relationship, M/M, Phil Coulson/OMC (past), Sad, Sharing History, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmathieson/pseuds/Jo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil tells Clint about his tattoo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Ink

**Author's Note:**

> Kink Bingo Round Six (2013) ~ Tattoos

"Tell me about it?"

They were lying in bed together, sated but not yet sleepy. Clint rubbed his thumb across the small rectangle of ink on Phil's forearm to make it clear what he was asking. Clint knew that Phil's tattoo was deeply personal. It was one of the many, many things that got whispered amongst new recruits at SHIELD, "... and whatever you do, don't ask Coulson about his tattoo."

It was a simple design, a copy of the Army Ranger shoulder patch in black against the skin of his forearm, just below his left elbow.

"It's... I got it because of someone I was with, a long time ago. Do you still want to hear about it?"

Clint thought about it. Did he want to hear about one of Phil's old boyfriends? Part of him wanted to, absolutely. Wanted to know everything about Phil, every bit of himself he was willing to share. Another part of him felt a stab of jealousy at the idea of Phil with someone else, even if it was a long time ago. And this... someone Phil had cared enough about to get a tattoo for? Did he want to know? Yeah. If Phil was willing to tell him, then he wanted to know. 

"Yes," he finally said.

"You know that I was in the army for 10 years before I joined SHIELD."

"Yep."

"After the Gulf War - the first one - I joined the 75th Rangers and was stationed at Fort Benning in Georgia. That's where we met. His name was Jason. We were just friends, at first. We worked together and we got along, buddies, you know? We were total opposites in lots of ways. I was from a small town in the Midwest, he was from central Los Angeles. I had a totally normal, average upbringing, mother, father, two sisters, white picket fence. His mom raised him alone on welfare and food stamps. I was quiet and reserved, he was loud and outgoing. But somehow we just hit it off. We both loved being in the army and we both took pride in being very, very good at our jobs. And gradually, we both realized that something else was happening between us. My day got better whenever I saw him. Being around him made me happy. I..." Phil stopped and squeezed his arms around Clint.

"Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Yeah." Clint wasn't actually sure, not anymore. But he knew that now that Phil had started, he had to hear the whole story or else it would drive him crazy with wondering.

"We had to be so cautious. It was months before we had anything like a first date, and even that was mostly by accident. We used to go to movies in town, a bunch of us, when we had a free night, and one day Jason walked into the rec room and announced that he was going to see "Batman Returns" that night, did anyone else want to go? And it turned out that most of the guys had already seen it, so it ended up being just the two of us. God, we were so nervous. We sat next to each other in the dark for half the movie before we even touched each other, and then we just held hands until the end credits rolled. But... at least we knew."

Clint's heart ached for what Phil had been through. As much as he was still feeling jealous, he wished Phil could have had happier memories. Clint kissed his shoulder and stroked his arm, encouraging him to continue.

"We were always careful. Very careful. Sometimes we didn't even see each other for days. We made a point of not sitting next to each other in the canteen all the time, not sparring together too often, things like that. Any time we went off base together, which wasn't often, we had cover stories and watched for surveillance as if we were on Black Ops."

"We'd been together, whatever that meant under the circumstances, for a year when Jason talked me into taking leave together. We got 4-day passes, and he booked us a flight to San Francisco. We spent the two weeks leading up to it telling anyone who would listen how many girls we were going to pick up while we were on leave..."

"Jason had booked a hotel on the edge of the gay district, he wanted us to be able to be ourselves for at least a few days. As it turned out, for the first couple of days we didn't leave the hotel room, so..."

Phil hugged Clint to him tight and held on for a long time.

"You know I love you," he said, kissing Clint's forehead, then eyes, then lips.

"Yes," said Clint, kissing back, and trying and failing not to be scared to hear what was next.

"On our last day in San Fran, we went out for lunch, had a couple of beers, and were just wandering around, taking in the sights, and enjoying being able to walk down the street with our arms around each other. And so, of course, what should happen but we bump into someone we know. From base. He was in a different battalion, but he knew Jason pretty well, and me slightly. He saw us, and the first words out of his mouth were, 'What the fuck are you guys doing here?'

"Jason, who was always an amazingly fast thinker, said, 'Getting tattoos!' and wheeled us into the tattoo shop we were walking past, playing up how drunk we were to cover having our arms around each other. The guy from base followed us in, and Jason started to make a big deal about how he'd finally convinced me to get a tattoo like a 'real soldier'. He had a couple, including an infantry tattoo on his right shoulder, so he started talking to one of the tattoo artists, flirting with her shamelessly, taking off his shirt to show them off. I was looking at the art on the walls and then flipping through the books of designs. I found a military one, and was looking at it, trying to figure out what to do next. The guy from base came up behind me and said, 'What are you going to get?' And I turned the next page in the book, and there it was, so I pointed. 'That.' He nodded, and said, 'Yeah. It suits you.' I didn't think he knew me all that well, but so long as he didn't figure out that Jason and I were together, I didn't really care what he thought. 

"Jason called over from the desk, 'Coulson, the lovely lady here needs to know what you're getting?' 'Tell her number 783' I said, reading from the design in the book, and she went to a filing cabinet to get the stencil. By this time, the guy from base had gotten bored, I guess, so he punched me in the shoulder and waved to Jason and left.

"We both sighed with relief. Then the tattoo artist came back with the stencil, and Jason saw what I had picked.

"'Classy - it suits you.' Then he said, 'Look, you don't have to go through with this - we can make up some sort of story for that guy when we run into him on base, tell him you didn't have time to get it done before we had to catch our flight or something. And I looked at him and said, 'No, I want to do this; if you'll get the same one, in the same place.' I wanted us to have something we could share - something tangible, something I could see that showed that we were something to each other - and this was perfect, no one was ever going to question a couple of army buddies going on leave together and coming back with matching regimental tattoos...

"Jason looked at his right shoulder, trying to figure out how to place the new one with the crossed rifles that were already there, and I told him, 'No. If I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be somewhere I can see it properly without needing a mirror. I want it here.' And I pointed. Jason shrugged, and said 'Sure, whatever you want,' but then he looked at me, and realized how serious this was for me. I looked at the woman and she smiled at me, 'Do you two want a minute?' Jason started to apologize to her for how he'd been acting earlier, and she said, 'It's fine. I understand. I get guys like you two in here a couple of times a week. It's just sad when I can tell that they’re together, but they haven't figured it out yet... You two, at least you know. Take all the time you need.'

"And I tried to explain to Jason what I was feeling, about how it was something we could have... but the words wouldn't come out right. Eventually he just grabbed my hand and said, 'It's OK, Phil. I get it. We can't have much, but we can have this.'"

Phil sighed, and Clint hugged him tight, wishing he didn't sound so sad. 

"So we got our tattoos, and we went back to our hotel, and packed up and got on our flight and went back to base. And once we were there we told stories about getting drunk and picking up girls and getting great blowjobs from them. But this time, at least, when I was telling those stories in the rec room, I could touch this."

Phil rubbed his fingers lightly over the tattoo.

"You really loved him." Clint's voice was quiet.

"Yes."

Clint couldn't bear to ask, "Do you still?" so instead he said,

"What happened?"

"Two months later we shipped out for Somalia. It was... awful. Worse than anything you're heard or seen about it. It..." Phil stopped, took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut for a minute.

"Phil, you don't have to...."

"No, I want... I want you to know. Jason was killed in the battle of Mogadishu."

"Oh Phil, I'm so sorry." 

Phil was quiet for a long time, and Clint just held him, realizing that this was how Phil knew what it was like to lose someone. 

"For a long, long time, I thought I'd never fall in love again. I thought that had been my one shot at it, you know? I didn't think I'd be lucky enough to find someone that I could share everything with a second time." Phil kissed Clint's forehead and then squeezed him tight. "I'm so glad I was wrong."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks always to my excellent editors t! and Shazrolane.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at: [Queen of Wands](http://jmathieson-fic.tumblr.com/)


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